


Until The Wedding Bells Sound Off

by Celestiar



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: After Season 8, M/M, Unrequited Love, after marriage, post marriage coping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 10:44:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestiar/pseuds/Celestiar
Summary: After receiving the invitation to Shiro's wedding Keith doesn't know how to cope anymore.Shiro had always been the love of his life and just reading these letters and seeing the picture of these two men happily smiling into the camera crushed him.There are so many things that were left unsaid. So many things he still has to say.Things he says, right the night before the wedding.





	Until The Wedding Bells Sound Off

**Author's Note:**

> Hmn, sweet trainwreck that was VLD season 8.  
> While a lot of things remained unanswered and there is a lot of stuff I'm sad about in the end I still liked it. I'm sad its over and how it ended because yes, everyone deserves happiness , but at what costs?
> 
> Have me and my coping mechanisms exploring a relationship that fell a little flat in s8. I really missed all the good Sheith dynamics /cry cry/  
> If you liked what you read feel free to leave a comment and check out my other works! In this house we multiship! 
> 
> Oh and- happy suffering.

Everything was fine until this day.  
Until today and until the last night.

I woke up with the sound of the bells in my head, echoing through the night. They weren't there and yet they were so present and so real.  
Tomorrow would be the day of the wedding and the final settlement. Something set in stone and something that would never be reversed.

I wiped cold sweat off my forehead, took a deep breath. I needed to stay calm. I-

But in the end, who was I kidding, who was I to fool?  
Tomorrow by the end of the day they would be wed and would be pronounced husbands. They'd settle on earth, thoughts of war and grief finally left behind. I knew this was what he needed. And yet again this was what I feared.

Deep inside I knew that today was the last day to do what I should have done months ago. Years ago. Something I should have done as soon as the war was over. But weren't we all too busy reuniting the universe?  
We formed a powerful Coalition, we reunited a race that only a few years ago fought amongst their own ranks and thrived for power and violence. I know we should all be happy and proud.  
But really, why did we never once think of ourselves after the war was over?  
Or maybe, everyone did in the end, some more than others.  
I, for instance, left earth to go and live on planet Daibazaal with my family. I lived with the people whom I got accepted by. As a half-breed, half galra, half human, not the humans were the one who accepted me, it was them. The galran blood in my vains had always overshadowed my human appearance and with meeting the Blades and the reunion with Krolia I finally found a home. Leaving planet earth was no hard choice to make for me, even if I left behind the paladins.  
But with that statically changing world and the alliances formed between the planets and the bonds between cultures we'd always be together. We could visit, we could travel and we could all do what we did best.  
Together we grew to be the best versions of ourselves and now having acquired this, everyone would use their own qualities to improve the universe in their very own way.  
No matter the distance, we'd always keep contact and update on progresses and get together like we did on the first anniversary and the celebration of the great sacrifice that Princess Allura of Altea had made. We'd get together to remember that the bond we forged would always be what brought out the greatest of us and that without all these things we went through we would have never found something so much greater and much more powerful than friendship. We found love and most of all a family with individuals all so different and yet all with the same goal and values in heart. Fighting together united us. And we knew that whatever happened nothing could drive us apart anymore.

But splitting up also meant we'd move on with our own individual lives. That we'd meet new people and gained new experiences we didn't quite share with the others. Each of us lived on a different planet and in a different environment, busying us with ever new tasks.  
We were tired of war and all so much in desperate need for peace. But the world will never stop turning and things don't remain the same.  
  
Little did I expect the invitation to the wedding that came in after the Blades had just returned from the new born planet Olkarion late that day.  
During all these months of busy work and helping people in need Shiro never told me that he met someone.  
Or that he got engaged.  
And that he was planning to get married.  
  
I've experienced so much pain and hurt during my years as the red paladin of Voltron. And yet those things were nothing compared to the pain I felt in my chest when I read these words.  
It felt like my whole world would fall apart with just these words. And that the picture of these two men happily smiling into the camera was enough to shatter my whole existence.

That night I cried, in silence and all alone, far away from planet earth, in my own little home on planet Daibazaal.  
Of course this would happen. I was just too blind and too stupid to see it coming. As if he' always be around me and guide me.  
It felt like one of the brightest lights of my path through life suddenly went dark.

I've told myself I'd manage and I'd get over it and I managed just fine. But as soon as I arrived on planet Earth for the ceremony it all came back crashing down on me with the weight of that bomb that was Nuxella.  
Everything down here was so beautiful and chic and so much radiating the warmth and comfort of a wedding.  
It was the Holts and Shiro and his fiancé who had welcomed me when I stepped out of the ship I arrived in. They escorted me to a place that I recognized to be the replacement for what was the little shack I grew up in after I left the home and dropped out of Galaxy Garrison.  
“We thought it'd be .. nice.”, Shiro smiled at me with his soft, gentle smile that he wore so well and that had calmed me all the times when I was still a young angry kid. “Brings back memories, doesn't it?”  
Yeah, it did. The memories of me as a little outcast and him, taking care of me like he was my brother and all the times he'd vouch for me when I fucked up once again. Our rides on the hover bike until late in the evening when the sun already set and-  
The hover bike. The old rusty hover bike that somehow managed to survive the assault on planet earth stood right there under the tiny roof of the garage. Proof of a time where everything was so odd and yet so nice and warm.  
Why … why did he have to do this?  
“Will you be okay here?”, he asked me then and explained to me that all the other paladins were already here and currently with their families. I was alone until tomorrow morning. Krolia and Kolivan would be there right before the beginning of the ceremony.  
“Yeah, sure. I'll manage.”, I replied.  
I had to.

That night I had a terrible sleep and I tossed and turned.  
In my dream I found myself in front of a mirror, tugged into a nice red tux. My mother helped me arrange my hair and tied it together for me into a tiny braid. It had grown, so I noticed, and a glimpse at my reflection showed me that I looked like I had to go to some very important event.  
“It's about time, Keith.”, Krolia softly smiled at me and petted my hair with motherly love. “Go, be great.”, she said and her words reminded me of someone I knew well.  
The next second I found myself walking down an aisle, the most beautiful white flowers draped on each side and something in my hands that, at a closer look, turned out to be a bouquet of roses, red and white. As I walked I heard music playing festively, announcing an important guest.  
And when I looked up from the red carpet underneath my feet, it was when I saw them.  
There was Shiro, making his vows to this man I recognized from our days back with the Atlas, who was on the bridge with him the entire time. Curtis.  
I heard them whisper sweet words of nothingness.  
And when they kissed the terrifying sound of the wedding bells were all that reached my ear.

I woke up, drenched in sweat and sat up straight in my bed.  
What a nightmare.  
What a horrible nightmare.  
A nightmare that very soon would become my new reality.

  
  


Something deep inside me screamed to get up. To tell him everything I still felt after all this time. The faint hope, that if I told him, he might reevaluate his decision and he wouldn't get married. I also knew how stupid it was to believe something childish like that. I had missed my train. And I knew it.

When you know that your world is gonna change, you do weird things. You do stupid things and even if you know they are stupid, you do them because it might be your last chance.  
This was one of them. And because I had already decided I'd never come back to this place, I allowed myself to let my impulses take over and, just for one last time, be my weak self. I'd never see Shiro again after tomorrow. It was time to be honest with myself. And with him.  
The truth was that I never stopped loving Shiro.  
The eminent, bone-crushing truth.  
Unrequited feelings that lingered and woke me up night after night. Some nights it was worse than others. But never had a night been as terrible as this one.

  
I found myself right on his porch, ringing his doorbell.  
I had no idea how I got here. But … in the end, did it even matter?  
All I hoped was that he still lived here, at least he never told me about moving out of the old apartment he once shared with Adam. But, also he didn't tell me he got engaged with his officer, so why did I even bother.  
I heard slow steps from inside, then a lock turning and a door rattle.  
And there was Shiro, looking so tired and sleepy, a pair of black, rectangular glasses on his nose and the white of his hair tousled from sleep. He was wearing white and gray pajamas and looked like he just got out of bed.  
“... Keith?”, he murmured, looking quite surprised to see me so late that night.  
I … didn't know how to reply. Confusion masked my face and I opened my mouth and closed it at the same second.  
“Do you want to come in?”, he offered. He noticed something wasn't right. Well, sure something wasn't right. If everything was fine why would I pop up at his door at 1 am the night before his wedding. Who was I kidding.  
I followed silently, not quite sure if I should get rid of my shoes and undo my jacket and my scarf.  
“I – You – I wont take long.”, I finally brought out.  
Shiro's beautiful brown eyes rested on me, trying to read me and guess what would be on my mind at a time like this.  
“I … didn't know you wore glasses.”, I tried to start. Yeah, sure. Nicely done, Keith!  
“Staring at flashing screens and fighting in war sure has drained my eyes.”, he replied, his smile a little lopsided. God, why did he have to look at me like this. Why was he making this even harder for me.  
“.. I see.”  
My voice was small and quiet.  
“But are glasses really why you're here? Keith, look. I've got a wedding coming up tomorrow, I'm getting married and I need a proper rest before that.  
What's really on your mind?”  
“I-” I gulped and took a deep breath. He was angry at me, wasn't he? I was interrupting his sleep right before the day that was supposed to become the best day of his life. How could he enjoy it when he looked and felt like a zombie? “It's actually the reason I'm here.”  
His sharp gaze from earlier turned into something more questioning.  
Again I took a deep breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Then speak, Keith. It's your last chance. The last chance you will get.  
“Do- Do you remember the day Allura transferred your consciousness from the black lion into the clone body?”, I asked. Suddenly my voice was steady. Collected. I had made my decision that I would tell him. Now or never.  
Shiro's forehead wrinkled, expression painful. “I, recall things, yes.” He didn't need to point out that this wasn't exactly the best thing to bring up the night before his wedding and that it wasn't exactly nice of me to remind him that this body wasn't his real one. He probably drove this so far away that it hurt thinking about it right now.  
“When you were right about to kill me, I told you something. Something that brought you back and freed you from the claws of the witch.”  
“Why are you bringing this up now?” Yes, he indeed sounded angry. Angry and stressed.  
“Keith, I really don't want to talk about this anymore. It's in the past! The past should remain what it is. The _past._ There is no need for us to dwell in it anymore. It's over. We've fought our battles. We deserve rest.”  
I understood that he was scolding me, but- “Well, _I want_ to talk about the past. That's precisely why I am here!”  
Shiro looked mad. He opened his mouth and-  
“Tell me, what did I say to you that moment? Do you remember?”, I said before he could even bring out any other word.  
His mouth closed, I saw something turning in his brain.  
“I want you to recall that. Tonight is the last time I'll be able to say this to you without regret.”  
“You said – We're brothers.”  
I huffed, a chuckle on my lips, sad and somewhat final. Of course he only remembered that. “.. No, Shiro. That's not what I mean. I told you I love you. I always did. And it's what I still do.  
Since I was a little kid you were always there for me, you were my strength and you were the only one to believe in me when I couldn't even believe in myself anymore. You raised me and even if I was a hopeless case and a nobody you treated me as equal. You taught me wisdom, endurance, faith. You never gave up on me.  
I told myself I'd cross the universe for you, no matter what would happen. And I did exactly that. My life didn't work without you. My life had no purpose without you. Up until a few weeks ago I still thought it didn't. We've been through more than people could imagine. You've taught me and I hope I was able to teach you.  
Our strength and unconditional faith in each other was what saved us and brought us back together – and back to life – more than once. I really thought that this was all some could ask for.  
You are more to me than just a brother. You are more to me than a friend or a guardian. You're more to me than anyone out there would ever understand.  
I was never good at putting my feelings into words and if I was I would have told you sooner. But war didn't leave us many options. I thought I still have enough time and that whatever I felt would be the same thing you felt, too. But I guess I'm not supposed to be by your side anymore. I'm not the happiness you need.  
I get that I remind you of a time you want to forget and that the most painful things in your life. You died. And still, no matter what, there is one thing I can't change.  
I love you, Takashi Shirogane. That's … what I'll always do.”  
I gulped and closed my eyes.  
There. I said it. It was done now.  
I turned around after I finished talking.  
“I .. should leave now. I'm not supposed to be here. You need your sleep. I just wanted to say goodbye because we'll be leaving early tomorrow for a new mission.”  
My fingers dug deep into the fabric of my jacket as I, once again, took a deep breath.  
“Keith, wait.”  
Shiro suddenly stood by my side, breathless and his eyes glistened from what looked like upcoming tears.  
“I.. I'm sorry I never realized that.”  
I laughed, dry and distant. “I never expected you to.”  
“You- Keith, I'm sorry for all of this. I can't imagine how much-”  
“Shut up, Shiro. Just don't make it worse. I said what I wanted to say. I'm gonna leave now. You need rest, as you said. Tomorrow is your big day.”

But then .. he did something I didn't see coming. I felt it seconds before I realized what was going on. The softness that covered my mouth, the wetness that suddenly touched my cheek. The single tear that ran down Shiro's cheek and his lips that met mine for one first and final kiss.  
I coughed and choked, then my hands clutched the back of his pajamas.  
“I'm sorry to have put you through all of this. You deserve so much better than me.”, he whispered as he broke the kiss, just for one moment in my life touching my skin like a lover would do. The way I always wanted him to do.  
And strangely, it was enough for me. A moment I cherished and a moment I would never forget.  
“Thank you for loving me, Keith.”  
He got out of my personal space and I tugged up the hood of my jacket.  
“Goodnight.”, he wished me.  
“Good night, Shiro. And farewell.”

  
  


The day of the wedding was a busy one. Even if they wanted to keep it small the entire ranks of the Galaxy Garrison showed up to pay one final tribute to their Admiral and Officer.  
It felt odd seeing the faces of everyone again who fought with us for the peace of the universe. The Lieutenants, all the officers, the entire crew of the Atlas and even the MFE pilots showed up to wish the two grooms well. The location booked for the wedding was much too small too small to handle all of the people that came.  
I found myself standing in the back row, all the seats occupied already occupied by people from all around the Galaxy and the ones who were close to the couple.  
Flower decorations were everywhere and it was needless to say that Shiro, tugged into his white suit, and his soon-to-be husband Curtis looked absolutely stunning.  
I know I should have been happy, but it was so painful just to be here. I felt out of place. I felt so small and part of a world that didn't want me to be here. It felt like I had every eye of the attendants on me, accusing me of kissing the groom right the night before the wedding, even if no one could have possibly known about this.  
No one would ever know.  
No one needed to know.  
It was in the past and this moment here would be in the past, too. We would move on with our individual lives and find something new to occupy us with.

Coran was standing at the center of the aisle, a fancy altean robe wrapping his frame and right in front of him a little box with sparkling golden rings.  
He was the one who would wed them, of course he would, as a friend and an ally and someone who would always be cheerful and there to make you smile. And why shouldn't people smile on this special day?  
And still, I heard none of the words he said, I only heard the vows the two men made to each other.  
"I take you to be my partner for life,  
I promise above all else to live in truth with you  
And to communicate fully and fearlessly,  
I give you my hand and my heart  
As a sanctuary of warmth and peace  
And pledge my love, devotion, faith and honor  
As I join my life to yours."  
Curtis voice was strong and so sure. He loved Shiro and that I could see. It was a sin for me to love the man he married, more than he'd ever know.

"On this day,  
I give you my heart,  
My promise,  
That I will walk with you,  
Hand in hand,  
Wherever our journey leads us,  
Living, learning, loving,  
Together,  
Forever."  
These words. They sounded so wrong out of Shiro's mouth. Felt so mismatched to the one he addresses.  
They felt like the words I desperately wanted to hear, I needed to hear.  
Maybe, in a different reality, they only belonged to me.  
In one of the many realities we would stand here, these golden rings glistening in the sun as we gave them to each other. He'd smile at me with the smile I love so much and when I tiptoe just to reach him he'd sweep me off my feet and kiss me like there's no tomorrow. We'd be Mr. and Mr. Shirogane and I'd wear his name with all my pride and finally would be called how I always deserved to be called. We would be a family, not only some patch work thing like destiny wanted, he'd not be my brother but my husband and I'd never, ever stop loving him. We would grow old together until my hair was just as white as his. We'd sit there, Kosmo rolled into giant ball down by our feet, at the oven and cuddled together to keep each other warm. We'd tell us stories and make fun of all the odds life dealt us and we'd laugh because we kept our promises to never give up on each other and always be together.  
In that moment Honerva's thoughts of finding happiness in another reality didn't sound that wrong anymore. They didn't sound crazy or psychopathic. They seemed so terribly relatable I felt like it'd crush me any minute. All she wanted to do was find the happiness that was robbed of her and to live the life she always imagined to have.  
I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder.  
A light hand that stopped me from getting more and more lost in these absurd thoughts.  
When I turned to see whom the hand belonged to, I could recognize someone who has always been there in one or another way.  
“Lance ...”  
“Hey ..”, he mumbled and gave me a sad little smile. “I know how you feel. But what Honerva did was bad and cost the life of millions. We can't change the past and we should never think of it. The sacrifice of fixing what we'd mess up would be way too big.”  
It was as if he could read my mind. As if he had known exactly what I was thinking about in a moment like this. Lance, whom we all thought to be so stupid and dense, who turned out to be the most empathic, sensitive person of us all. He sensed discomfort more like any other one.  
Of course he'd be the one to remind me of the consequences for my deepest, darkest wish. Of course I couldn't trick him anymore. He knew I loved Shiro and I wonder for how long he had known. He reminded me of the sacrifice Allura had made for us to still be here and have each other and a world for us to live. She had given her life for it.  
“I know how much it hurts. But we have to look forward and we shouldn't give in. Life deals us some mean cards, but she always believed that after a storm something bright will await us.”  
The gentle pressure on my shoulder helped me to breathe again. Lance was right. Stupid, dorky, silly Lance had made a valid point. He really had grown up.  
“I'll get us something to drink, alright?”, he hummed and it felt so good to have him just here. At least there was this guy who's friendship was infinite.

He disappeared into the crowd that started to loosen up now that the ceremony itself was over.  
The married couple was surrounded by people who wished to congratulate them and give them all their blessings and love.  
I felt Shiro watching me from the altar as I talked to Lance and our eyes met for a brief second. I nodded, a silent congratulation.  
I saw his mimics shifting and something sad tainted the expression on his face.  
I didn't hear them talking as I disappeared into the crowd. I had already said my farewells the night before.  
“Is everything alright?”, Curtis asked his husband and took his hand to gently press it and rub circles into the back with his thumb.  
Shiro exhaled long and deeply, taking his time to reply, but Curtis already knew what was up.  
“... It's about Keith, isn't it?”, he guessed and he guessed right. He felt Shiro's hand pressing his, just a little desperation mirrored in it.  
“He'll always be part of my family.”, Shiro whispered.  
“Give him some time.”  
“Time? What for ..?”  
Curtis just shook his head, looking Shiro deep into his beautiful brown eyes. “Takashi, I know how he looks at you. He looks at you with the same eyes I do, he wears the same expression.” Curtis knew that Keith was in love with his husband. And honestly, how could he have been mad at him for that?

Later that day Shiro went to look for me, but my mother told him that I already left a few hours ago. I didn't say my goodbyes. My farewell would always be the last words I said to him.

 

* * *

As I predicted my life moved on and I would soon be busy with helping people on other planets in need. The Blade of Marmora got turned into a help organization and everyday we would travel to help planet citizens in need. It felt a lot like a foster care system, but so so much better and with a lot more love.  
The months flew by and from the paladins on Earth I knew that christmas would come around very soon.  
Christmas isn't really celebrated on Daibazaal or anywhere else, after all it's a christian holiday and all of them didn't even know who Jesus Christ was. It was an earth thing.  
Well, Krolia knew about it and she had told Kolivan who listened and found it strange, but didn't say anything when we put something close to a christmas tree in one of the ships. Ezor and Zethrid apparently liked the tradition of the mistletoe and we all had to admit that it was weirdly adorable.

With christmas came christmas dinners and the invitations to spend time with family and friends. I avoided coming back to earth at all costs, but from time to time I would visit Lance and his family on their small farm on the country side. These were the times that calmed me and actually made me smile. They were all warm and welcoming and being with them felt like home on a planet that became so foreign for me. After all, I was more galran than I was human.  
It was a relief to have Lance around and to have somebody to talk. He was the only one who would ever understand the pain I felt after the wedding and I sometimes still felt aching in my chest. Shiro and Adam were the first ones to bring me a small christmas gift after my dad died, the home could never afford presents for all the kids they sheltered. Christmas inevitably was the time that reminded me the most of him, after all it was the festival of love.  
I still remember the first time he took me home with him and we sat by the stove, waiting for the cookies to be ready and wrapped in tick cozy blankets with a mug filled with steaming hot chocolate. I had accidentally grabbed his mug with the rum shot and my nose turned red and small little me got tipsy. Shiro had giggled and placed me on a chair. He had turned on the radio and taught me christmas songs to sing together with him. Year after year after year. It became our very own little tradition.

It was just another day I sat next to Lance, down by the hills on the farm.  
We laid down in the grass, wrapped in thick coats and on a blanket, stargazing, like we would usually when something busied our mind.  
“They invited me over for christmas.”  
Lance shifted next to me, giving me a side-glance.  
“He asked if I'd come over like I do every year.”  
“So, are you going?”  
I shook my head. “How can I? He's a married man and I won't be the one to ruin their festivities.”  
“I think you should.”, Lance replied after a moment of silence.  
“I should what?”  
“I think you should go. I know it is still hard … But he's your family just as much as we all are. I can tell you want to see him.”  
“Of course I want to, but -”  
“No”, he replied calmly and now sat up, weight leaning on his elbows, his eyes wandering up to the sky. “I know you miss him. He's still a part of your world.  
I've been trying to cope with the loss of the love of my life for over 5 years now and it doesn't get easier. Every day it gets harder.”  
“So you miss her, huh?”  
“Miss her? I miss her like crazy. Everyday without her feels lost and keeping my head up and look forward is so hard. Every day I'm surrounded by the things and the people she loved and every single day I get reminded of her. It's not like I want to forget her. She was all I wanted. And even of our time was short, it was there. We had those limited moments of happiness and I'll always carry her in my heart.” His hands shivered as he tried to keep his voice steady. I could see he suffered. And I felt like we were so much alike.  
“Every day I wish I could just turn back time or find another reality where we could be happy and we wouldn't have to fight this war. But then I realize that there's no reality like this and we would have probably never met. We were destined to meet each other, each of us were. But what we make out of this is entirely up to us.  
If I had the chance to see her again, I would leave everything behind in an instant. Just to see her one last time and to tell her just how much I love her.  
Our time was short and limited and damn, I would have stayed by her side even if she'd rejected me again.” Silent tears ran down his face. After all this time he was still grieving. Of course he was.  
“My girlfriend saved the universe, but at what cost? She was noble and gentle and kind.  
But, what I'm trying to say is: Shiro is still here. Shiro is still alive. You still have the chance to see him and be a companion.  
Life doesn't always work out like we picture it. But it's up to us, what we make out of it.”  
The tiny blue marks on his face glowed faintly in the dark of the night, the moment Lance noticed he chuckled.  
“It's stupid, isn't it?”, he said.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Here we both are, marked by the ones we loved the most and yet were never able to have.”  
He looked right at me and his eyes wandered down my cheek. My cheek where there would always be the long burn mark of the heat of Shiro's blade.

 

* * *

 

Christmas Eve came around and against contrary believe I found myself back at a place I never intended to be.  
The windows of their little house was neatly decorated with pine tree branches, candles and little stars. At their porch stood a little porcelain angel guiding the way along the road up to their door so no one would miss it in the dark. It looked so warm and cozy inside, my stomach started to turn.  
The steps I took were slow and with every meter I came closer to the door I braced myself and told myself it would be fine.  
Lance promised me he'd come over immediately to pick me up if I couldn't stand it. The other paladins would join in the next day, a reunion with them and their beloved.  
Kosmo whimpered, sensing my unease and he rubbed his head against my chest.  
What a funny picture this must have been, me next to this giant cosmic wolf and still the wolf seeking comfort like a little puppy. Or maybe I was the one seeking comfort.  
Petting his dark fur calmed me and his deep growl helped me calm my thoughts.  
Then I took the two last steps and rung the doorbell.  
It didn't take long until a man a little taller than I, chocolate brown eyes and a soft tan opened the door.  
“Keith. I'm glad you came!”  
Curtis held the door open and looked a bit startled when Kosmo just zapped into the building because he would have never fit through the door. “I see you brought a friend.”, he smiled, softly rubbing the wolves nose and Kosmo grunted happily.  
“Keith, is that you?”, I heard from the kitchen and after a minute a messy looking Shiro, from head to toe covered in flour dust appeared in the door frame.  
“34 and he still can't cook.”, Curtis grinned in my direction and took my coat to place it on a hook.  
“I head that!”, Shiro complained with a pouty face.  
“Yeah, apparently his ears are the only thing still functioning right.”  
I couldn't help myself but laugh a little. This whole situation felt so oddly homey it was almost like I was back at the age of 14.  
“Go, take a seat in the dining room. Dinner is ready soon. At least if this man here doesn't burn the kitchen in the last second.”  
Curtis winked at me and shoved Shiro back from where he came from, arguing about how he ruined the freshly cleaned floor. And I could have sworn I heard a distant wack of a towel meeting a butt.

Their little house was cute and so very much Shiro.  
Everywhere were pictures and memories and horrible, mismatched christmas stockings and decorations. He had never been good at decorating and I remembered how Adam had always complained about what a terrible job he did with decorating the christmas tree. I guess some things just never changed. 

We had dinner about 30 minutes later and a smoke detector going off because a certain someone forgot the potatoes in the oven.  
There was a lot of friendly bickering between the married couple and one or another thing disappearing from the table for Kosmo to chew on.  
These two had become a family indeed and I could see how happy these two were with each other. I tried to participate in their talks, but after all this time it felt more complicated than usual.  
Shiro asked me how things were back on Daibazaal and how my mother and the Blades were doing. If they had anything similar to Christmas to celebrate or what they did instead over the holidays. He wanted to know this and that but instead of going into depth like my little 14-years old me would when little Keith spilled out his heart after this man gained his trust, my answers were short and covering the main information.  
The dinner was nice, but we all felt, that underneath the surface something was off.

Right before desert Shiro excused himself to go to the toilet. That was the moment Curtis asked me if I would mind having a word with him alone.  
Yes, I minded. But I didn't refuse.

Curtis was a nice man and I could see he was considerate. I could see how much Shiro loved him and at least to some extend I could understand why he would choose him. 

“I'm happy you agreed to come to visit us tonight. It means a lot to me. And to Shiro aswell.”  
I didn't know what kind of ice-breaker this was but okay.  
“I've been wanting to talk to you for a while and – I feel like I should have asked before, you know.”  
“You mean before you married him away?”  
“Yeah … that.” Curtis sighed and ruffled his short hair. “I know he likes you and I can feel it by how different he behaved when you broke contact. I know he misses you and he still wants to have you in his life.”  
Well, that was nice to hear for a start.  
“My husband is torn and even if he doesn't tell me I can feel there is something bothering him. I know that the night before the wedding he realized that he did something that hurt you and I know that he never wanted that. He never planned that. And now he's here suffering from it and at night he turns and tosses and has your name on his lips. I've witnessed it a few times now and it leaves me restless aswell.  
I'm sorry to have taken something so important away from you and I feel like I have to apologize.”  
Why, why was Curtis such a good man? Why did he make it so hard for me to actually dislike him? He was honest with me and he really shouldn't have to feel this way.  
“Don't you worry about me.”, I finally replied. My hands were balled lightly into fists, but not out of anger but because I really tried to keep my emotions together.  
“I can see he loves you. I wish he would have looked at me the way he looks at you at least once. And I'm glad he found you.”  
The man on the other side of the table looked speechless for a moment.  
“Yes, I loved him and maybe I still do. But you're good for him.  
When he sees your face it doesn't remind him of all the terror that haunted him and of the loss he experienced. It doesn't remind him of the most painful times in his life. I've been there. Some of them are my fault and I'm the reason he had to go through so much. I remind him of sadness when he should rather experience the light.  
When he was younger he wanted to explore and was always on his feet, I've learned that from a companion of his. But you know what all this curiosity has led to and look at everything he lost. I understand that he wants to settle now, that he needs rest and finally something steady in his life.  
And while my affection is steady, me as a person, I will never be. I need to move and see the universe, I need to travel and explore and keep running and running. I'm no match for him and I wouldn't be good for him.  
But you are.”  
I saw Curtis biting his lips, his fingers balling into the same fists as mine.  
“Thank you, Keith. Thank you so much for saying all this.”, he shakily replied.  
I didn't know how much he needed to hear this and how much he needed to hear that it was finally okay for me to have married Shiro. I didn't know that there were nights he couldn't sleep because the thought of him stealing away the thing I loved the most hurt him so much he wanted to end things.

Shiro stood around the corner in the corridor and listened to our conversation. His heart thumped in his chest and he closed his eyes. He knew there would always be two men in his heart, the one he married and the one he'd never again push so far away and he swore himself not to hurt anymore than he had already done. 

“Thank you, Keith.”, Curtis' words echoed through the room. “You're an amazing person. I am sure that one day you will find your happiness aswell.” 

Yeah, maybe. Maybe, one day happiness would be an option even for me.  
  
  


 


End file.
